I’m uniquely qualified to explain what a Beverage Guy is, because I am one myself: It’s a gender-transcendent state of being in which a person is never seen without at least one drink on the go. This drink is usually alcoholic, but not always—one can be a sober Beverage Guy who swills Diet Coke all the livelong day—but as quarantine wears on, more and more of us are upping our alcohol intake and preparing to join the rarefied ranks of the beer-sodden Beverage Guy.
My Beverage Guy–dom isn’t even limited to alcoholic drinks, though they are, of course, preferred: If I do not have a 40 oz. water bottle, a cup of coffee, and a bulk-purchased can of LaCroix in front of me on any given workday, the chances are good that I’ve succumbed to one of my quarantine mini-breakdowns—or, at the very least, one is on the way.
Being a Beverage Guy is my slightly pathetic way of taking care of myself during an uncertain time, of offering myself constant liquid sustenance in the form of fizzy water and bulk-purchased horchata and the occasional straight shot of gin at 6 p.m. I may not be able to see my friends, but at least I’m as hydrated as any human being can reasonably be: Mescal appears to intuitively understand this reasoning, and one day, I can only dream that we’ll walk down the sultry streets of London together, mask-free and hand in hand, alternating exultant sips of beer and canned wine in the fading afternoon sunlight.