Since 2005, when my husband and I had our first child, our family has spent summers and holidays on Cape Cod in the cottage next door to my mother’s house. As recently as a year and a half ago, I could take her on drives to nearby bay beaches, out to the movies, or to dinner at a favorite restaurant. But these outings are things of the past. Although my mother remains at home with live-in care, she is wheelchair-bound now, traveling only from her bedroom to the living room. She has difficulty speaking, so our communication is one-sided. What she responds to most is touch, so I sit right beside her chair and lean against her as we watch a movie or flip through a photo album. If my hand is anywhere near hers, she always places hers on top of it.
But now, the threat of COVID-19 has taken even the small pleasure of holding hands from us, and this feels harder than all other social distancing combined—that my mother might spend her last months without physical affection. In April, my family and I relocated to Cape Cod, but still, I haven’t been able to greet her with a kiss, brush her hair, or hold her hand. The already confusing world has become more confusing to her. I stay on the other side of her living room and explain that there’s a virus going around, and that’s why I’m wearing a mask and gloves, and keeping my distance—because I don’t want to risk getting her sick. She gives me something akin to an eye roll, letting me know she thinks I’m overreacting. More evidence that my mother’s spirit still flares up inside of her.
Only four of her orchids remain, three that are flowering. They sit on a side table a few feet from where she spends her days. When I visit, I place an ice cube in each pot. My mother can no longer recall their fancy names, but we agree that the five-petaled yellow one with the purple veins is our favorite. As I leave, I turn the plant to make sure the blossoms face her, knowing that my mother will take pleasure in their beauty and be reminded of happier times.
Adrienne Brodeur is the author of Wild Game: My Mother, Her Lover, and Me, which is out in paperback next month.